breathe

It makes sense now,
this time I must not look like an idiot.
Last night, I think I made her happy.
Next morning, bad thoughts waking up.
Fears I wish not to describe,
maybe it's better to stay away,
but we are already far from each other.

Thoughts about what I can lose,
what I am making her feel,
damaging memories coming back.

I am only trying to find my peace.
Talking with selfishness aside, she deserves peace too.
I never wanted to take that back from her,
but all my mistakes were just my wounds,
my black heart finding new ways to hurt her.

I am starting to get it now.
I remember her arm.
The scars.
She was already hurt.
She came thinking I would love her,
Me, waited for her not knowing what love was supposed to be.
I thought love was intensity, wanting, suffering, proving,
maybe even staying.

But we were not that far that night.
Love breathed in her hair.
Love stayed on her lips.
Love got tired in her eyes.
She was closing them.
Her hair smelled so good.
But the kiss waited.
It didn’t feel safe,
my love wasn’t ready.

Patience. One year.

“I can feel it”, she said last night.

My love, I think I am feeling it too.